Biggie Biggie Biggie
Can't You See
Sometimes Your Words Just Hypnotize Me
Under some sort of hypnosis I got up from my bed and walked over to my old childhood closet and dug deep until I finally found what I had been looking for.
^WARNING! DON'T LOOK TOO CLOSE, YOU MAY BECOME SHAQNOTIZED!
My old high top sneakers. My "Shaqnosis" shoes. I didn't know it at the time but the music, and the shoes were working together to bring me out of my depression. Somehow Shaq and Biggie Smalls had come together to save me. Happy days were here again. Quickly the 1990s had returned and I found myself transported back to that time period...
Baywatch, Beanie Babies, Super Soaker's, and Sega Genesis flashed through my head. But still, I didn't know what it all meant. I walked around in a daze through some terrible fog machine until I was just about ready to give up. The 90s stopped being fun and awesomely bad, and started getting grungy. That, and I was getting really into that 90s Generation X, "Yeah, whatever. This sucks," mode. Hanging halfway out of a garbage can was a magazine.
Finally, someone connected with me and I was like hell yeah Kurt Cobain, corporate magazines do still suck! Even if ...you know, you are on the cover of one of them and being paid a boatload of money for it. But it doesn't matter, you are speaking to me, and to my generation! I got so excited I Shaq-Fu'ed the hell out of that nearby garbage can.
Once I kicked the can, and the lid went flying through the air, I noticed something falling with the loose garbage. Reaching out I grabbed it before it could hit the ground. It was a cassette tape with the words "You Can't Stop The Rain" written upon it. Great, another sad song I thought. Looking closer I saw that I had misread the title and the word "rain" was actually spelled "reign". "You Can't Stop The Reign," I love the play on words. God, if only there was a boombox around so I could play the tape I thought. And then boom, there one was.
That's pretty...convenient, I couldn't help but notice, but I just went with it anyways. I put the tape in (had to rewind it though, which took like 55 seconds but I was in the 1990s so I had much more patience than I would in today's world after years of instant MP3s). Once I hit play there was this flash of light and a poof of smoke and then KAZAAM!
So, totally not lying about this, but Shaquille O'Neal appeared in the form of a genie hovering above me. Or maybe he was just standing, I don't know he is really tall. He promised to grant me any one wish. I told him I was sad at the current state of awesomely bad. Whatever the name for the decade of 2010 - 2020 is, it was not going well. It wasn't bad enough for me.
"Could ya help me Shaq? Could you make me laugh again? Could you help me feel awesomely bad? Could ya, could ya?!?!"
"So it Shaq be done," he said and nodded his head once. That's when it happened. That's when the shoes and The Notorious B.I.G. all finally made sense to me. Right before my eyes played a hidden gem that even I had never seen before. A collab to end all collab's. A song to slaughter all songs. Revealed to me was a music video, one that hasn't seen the light of day since 1996, one that lay dormant in the 1990s...UNTIL NOW!
Shaq made it "Reign" that day and I never wanted to leave that moment. I wanted to stay there forever in such a perfect escape and never return to the year 2013. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and it was Shaq-To-The Future for me. But maybe it doesn't have to end, I can relisten and rewatch this video this year, and next year, and the year after that. I now have the key to time travel. I give it to you here on this blog as proof that every single word I have just said is true. You can either believe it, or be a jerk. The choice is yours.
*********************************************************************************
This blog has it's first shout-out. It goes to the greatest man to ever create his own beer and then drink it, THAT EVER LIVED. His name is Ben and he gets a nod for helping me uncover the past and showing me that the wonders of the world like "You Can't Stop The Reign," still exist. Check out his blog "D U Fly" (Get it!) at http://dufly.blogspot.com/ If you like drinkin' beer, thinkin' about beer, talkin' about beer, but you don't want to put on pants or go to the store, then maybe you should make some of your own beer out of the comfort of your own home! He'll help you out with that...responsibly.
