Shaq To The Future!

The other day I was up to no good making trouble in my neighborhood when I decided to go for a walk, and clear my head. You see, I have been kinda depressed lately ever since I started thinking about the recent level of "Awesomely Bad" in the past few years. It's just not where I want it to be, not like it had been in the 80s and 90s. I mean yes from 2000 - 2010 ( or the 00s as the kiddies say) we had Y2K, and that was pretty bad. But that was just like one day, and that was the first day of the year 2000, so I consider that more to be a 1990s awesomely bad moment and not so much an 00s moment. So, I guess I started reflecting too much and wishing it to be like the mid 90s again. I knew I shouldn't look back but I just couldn't stop. It was like I was hypnotized. And that's when it happened. I heard this song playing inside of my head.

Biggie Biggie Biggie 
Can't You See 
Sometimes Your Words Just Hypnotize Me

Under some sort of hypnosis I got up from my bed and walked over to my old childhood closet and dug deep until I finally found what I had been looking for.

^WARNING! DON'T LOOK TOO CLOSE, YOU MAY BECOME SHAQNOTIZED!

My old high top sneakers. My "Shaqnosis" shoes. I didn't know it at the time but the music, and the shoes were working together to bring me out of my depression. Somehow Shaq and Biggie Smalls had come together to save me. Happy days were here again. Quickly the 1990s had returned and I found myself transported back to that time period...

Baywatch, Beanie Babies, Super Soaker's, and Sega Genesis flashed through my head. But still, I didn't know what it all meant. I walked around in a daze through some terrible fog machine until I was just about ready to give up. The 90s stopped being fun and awesomely bad, and started getting grungy. That, and I was getting really into that 90s Generation X, "Yeah, whatever. This sucks," mode. Hanging halfway out of a garbage can was a magazine.

Finally, someone connected with me and I was like hell yeah Kurt Cobain, corporate magazines do still suck! Even if ...you know, you are on the cover of one of them and being paid a boatload of money for it. But it doesn't matter, you are speaking to me, and to my generation! I got so excited I Shaq-Fu'ed the hell out of that nearby garbage can.

Once I kicked the can, and the lid went flying through the air, I noticed something falling with the loose garbage. Reaching out I grabbed it before it could hit the ground. It was a cassette tape with the words "You Can't Stop The Rain" written upon it. Great, another sad song I thought. Looking closer I saw that I had misread the title and the word "rain" was actually spelled "reign". "You Can't Stop The Reign," I love the play on words. God, if only there was a boombox around so I could play the tape I thought. And then boom, there one was.

That's pretty...convenient, I couldn't help but notice, but I just went with it anyways. I put the tape in (had to rewind it though, which took like 55 seconds but I was in the 1990s so I had much more patience than I would in today's world after years of instant MP3s). Once I hit play there was this flash of light and a poof of smoke and then KAZAAM!

So, totally not lying about this, but Shaquille O'Neal appeared in the form of a genie hovering above me. Or maybe he was just standing, I don't know he is really tall. He promised to grant me any one wish. I told him I was sad at the current state of awesomely bad. Whatever the name for the decade of 2010 - 2020 is, it was not going well. It wasn't bad enough for me.

"Could ya help me Shaq? Could you make me laugh again? Could you help me feel awesomely bad? Could ya, could ya?!?!"

"So it Shaq be done,"  he said and nodded his head once. That's when it happened. That's when the shoes and The Notorious B.I.G. all finally made sense to me. Right before my eyes played a hidden gem that even I had never seen before. A collab to end all collab's. A song to slaughter all songs. Revealed to me was a music video, one that hasn't seen the light of day since 1996, one that lay dormant in the 1990s...UNTIL NOW!

Shaq made it "Reign" that day and I never wanted to leave that moment. I wanted to stay there forever in such a perfect escape and never return to the year 2013. Unfortunately all good things must come to an end, and it was Shaq-To-The Future for me. But maybe it doesn't have to end, I can relisten and rewatch this video this year, and next year, and the year after that. I now have the key to time travel. I give it to you here on this blog as proof that every single word I have just said is true. You can either believe it, or be a jerk. The choice is yours.

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This blog has it's first shout-out. It goes to the greatest man to ever create his own beer and then drink it, THAT EVER LIVED. His name is Ben and he gets a nod for helping me uncover the past and showing me that the wonders of the world like "You Can't Stop The Reign," still exist. Check out his blog "D U Fly" (Get it!) at http://dufly.blogspot.com/   If you like drinkin' beer, thinkin' about beer, talkin' about beer, but you don't want to put on pants or go to the store, then maybe you should make some of your own beer out of the comfort of your own home! He'll help you out with that...responsibly.

How Do You Make Golf Good?

You've got to make it bad. And I mean really BAD. White guys rapping bad.

^This is exactly what the world of golf is missing. I don't know why but I just never can get into watching golf on TV. And when I do it is the most painful viewing experience of my life. Maybe it's the fact that I prefer team sports rather than rooting for one singular rich person. Or maybe it is how pretentious it all feels, especially with the fake little golf clap.

I don't know I mean I should love golf just for the tacky clothing alone.

What made Caddyshack (1980) and Happy Gilmore (1996) such great golf movies was that they just had fun with it and showed everyday funny people playing a sport that doesn't look like it was only made for society's elite. It was relatable. That is what I think Professional Golf needs to do. It has to connect with the average 9-5 people who reside in the real world. And above all else they have to make it enjoyable. Insert the answer to my prayers the "Golf Boys".

The Golf Boys have street cred here in that they are actual professional  PGA golfers. Ben Crane, Bubba Watson, Rickie Fowler, and Hunter Mahan are the last glimmer of hope for golf to ever catch on and become popular in America. To compete on any level with the NFL or the NBA I think the sport needs more of the Golf Boys, and less of the old man country club feel to it. I would pay to see them play! Otherwise, I am afraid golf will always stay on the same level as professional soccer in this country.

My personal favorite member of Golf Boys is Bubba Watson. Tell me you wouldn't want to see this man golf!

He seems to be channeling his inner Dexys Midnight Runners here.

Please God give golf this! It needs it.

Who Killed The Music-Video Star?

In 1981, MTV began and the very first aired music video was by The Buggles called “Video Killed The Radio Star.” What soon followed throughout the decade were some of the most beautifully bad music videos known to man. Sadly, in today's world MTV has pretty much dropped the M and I don't know if even MTV2 plays music videos anymore. I'm not even sure there still is an MTV2. Come to think of it do they still make music videos for artists nowadays? Well, I guess it doesn't matter because they will never make 'em like they made 'em in the 1980s. These are 5 of the most awesomely bad music videos ever created...The Totally Rad 80s Edition!

5. "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell (1984)

Is that...Michael Jackson singing on the chorus? Oh yeah, you better believe it! And Jermaine Jackson is also there too singing on the backing vocals, but who really cares about that besides Jermaine. We're talking Michael “Moonwalking” Jackson! So you're thinking this must be great right? And then you see the video. If there is one thing that will always work when making a music video it's making it into a horror movie. Hey, it worked for Thriller! Rockwell is being stalked by someone or something and the camera angle is from the point of view of the intruder who seems to always perv on Rockwell while he is in the shower. But thank God Rockwell always showers with his shorts or whatever that is he is wearing. Zombies, flying ravens, dogs wearing pig masks- this video has it all! R.I.P. Rockwell 1984 - 1984. 

4. "Land of Confusion" by Genesis (1986)

So think Sesame Street meets the Beatles "Yellow Submarine". Jim Henson at a Deadhead concert. The Muppets dropping lots, and lots, and lots of acid. Ronald Reagan as a puppet tripping out, kissing chimpanzees, and riding around on a triceratops is all you really need to know. Plus the amount of famous people that were parodied as puppets in this videos is astounding. From Margaret Thatcher to Florence Henderson. Literally every single person who was alive in 1986.

With the way this list is going so far I guess the only question I can ask is...Are you furious yet?

If not, you will be!

3.  "The Message" by Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five (1982)

To be a man in the 1980s you had to rock the denim unapologetically. I'm talkin' denim jeans, denim hat, denim jacket with the tassels on the shoulders, denim underwear if you could find it. Let's be honest here, fashion in the 80s was...simply the best. I mean there was no beating it and everything has remained just timeless since then. Even as I type this I am wearing an over-sized Frankie Says Relax T-shirt and some Day-Glo pajama pants. This music video has it all from a fashion standpoint. The videos special effects (including the slow motion fades and picture in picture) are equally as timeless. Enjoy the guy in the background at the 3:44 mark -who seems to be posing perfectly still for some clay modeling body sculpture class or something- he is a personal fave of mine for this video. To be fair the lyrics of the song were pretty socially conscious for the time, and the video is also very representative for 1982. I wouldn't want it any other way!

2.  "Down Under" by Men at Work (1981)

Australia may never recover from this song/video. And why should they want to? It's an amazing way to go out I think. This is one of those videos where every lyric spoken in it has a visual. 6' 4 guy full of muscles, vegemite sandwich, a fried-out combie, EVERYTHING! All that is said is seen, which is perfect for when you are watching a music video full of Australian stereotypes and desert dancing. 

And now an 80s Casio Keyboard drum roll for the #1 Awesomely Bad 80s Music Video...

"There are 106 miles to Chicago. We have a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses." -Elwood Blues from the movie The Blues Brothers (1980)

1.  "Sunglasses at Night" by Corey Hart (1983)

This is really a two-for-one here. A (if not THE) most awesomely bad 80s music video of all time, and also a pretty awesomely bad song as well. This video truly is the crème de la crème, I mean it is flawless. Where do I start with this video? The appearing sunglasses, which then disappear, only to reappear I thought was a pretty amazing trick. This crazy futuristic evil army which is desperately hunting down and throwing Corey Hart into jail was also a welcomed treasure. But the real joy is the slow motion closeups of Corey singing in agony and at times...lust? And Hart's sideways shoulder bobbing dance were just the stuff dreams are made of. 

-Who Killed The Music-Video Star? Quite possibly these five music videos. Goodbye 1980s, we'll always have your awesomely bad music videos to remember you by!

IT BEGINS!!! Your Awesomely Bad Adventure Starts Here...Come Wyld Stallyns We Ride!

Here I go again on my own
Goin' down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter I was born to walk alone...

Okay I'll have to stop right there or I will get too carried away with some beautiful majestic 80s air guitar solo. But what better way to start off this Awesomely Bad Anything blog then with some awesomely bad Whitesnake lyrics? So what does Awesomely Bad Anything mean exactly? Webster's dictionary defines Awesomely Bad Anything as...no we're not going down that road. We aren't in class. We're online, and we're here to have fun. Have you ever seen a movie where the acting was just so bad that it made you laugh for all the wrong reasons? If not I suggest the 1972 horror movie Blacula. Or how about a TV show where the premise was so ridiculous that you just couldn't stop watching? I recommend My Mother The Car, a TV show from 1965 that follows around a man who buys a used broken down car from the early 1900s. The catch being that the car holds the spirit of the mans late deceased mother who talks only to him through the car radio. It only lasted one season (for some reason) and has been almost universally listed at the top of "The Worst TV Sitcoms of All Time," so you know its gotta be good! Maybe music is your thing? Don't tell me you don't love some song that is so terrible that you have to hide it on your iPod and deny its very existence from all your friends and family. Do you still sing along to Crash Test Dummies? Is it still Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm good to you? Then here enjoy...

This blog is a safe haven for any and all of your most awesomely bad  guilty pleasures. But don't feel guilty. From A-Z I'll cover anything that is awesomely bad. From stuffed animals to pet haircuts. If it's so bad it's good then it has a home on this blog. Hope you enjoy and until my next post think of it as...THE FINAL COUNTDOWN!!!